i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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