At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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