I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize