she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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