I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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