Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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