first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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