the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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