You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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