So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
