I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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