Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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