i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you mean i was at the winter classic?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
