And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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