i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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