just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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