I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
