I'd wear matching sweaters with you
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
