A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
