I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
