you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
