Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
