this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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