watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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