There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize