Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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