apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
