i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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