i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
