I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
