So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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