Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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