When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
