I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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