Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Operation Purity has been aborted
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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