I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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