is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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