Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
