He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
