Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
