You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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