no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
