do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I love having hate sex.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
