Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Randomize
