i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
