Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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