i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
