I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
