Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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