glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
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