well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You took a bar mat shot.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
