There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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