dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
