I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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