Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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