I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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